After nearly eight restless months of being beaten to my knees exploring the rough seas of interviewing I have found a new career endeavor; a new mountain to climb; a new chapter in the journey.
A full year has gone by now since leaving ministry and it's still so hard to talk about. I close my eyes and remember the chorus of frustrations that sang out, the sadness that caused me to weep with those that I chose to leave behind and the times that exceeded my expectations only to be blinded by the things I couldn't talk about.
The past year has been an unpredictable roller coaster ride. It had its ups, and it surely had its downs, but through it all, my eyes have been closed. I was desperate to cross the lips of grace. Lost, but struggled to be found. Yet through friends, family and faith was able to push through.
Now as I stare at the ever-evolving journey that is my life, I look to see that during this moment of my life Christ was constantly, and humbly, hitting me across the face with a 4X4 of Truth while God would frequently sucker punch me in the gut just to remind it is His will that will be done, not my own.
Much like many of you, in times of heartache, anticipation and ruts we often forget that we don't go it alone in life. We look for signs in any place possible, but most times forgetting that we don't need signs, we need faith. For several months I prayed and prayed through it all for a sign. It's good that cell phone companies don't have a prayer plan, because I would have surely used up all the minutes, and then some, the first week of the job search. Let alone the countless hours of discernment with my parents after each resume was sent out, after each interview or any time I had an idea of how to survive this chapter of my life. All the times at the rec. when patrons, now my dear friends, would vibrantly ask for a career update. I would have tapped out enough minutes in discernment for myself in a thousand lifetimes. Yet, I still sought out a sign.
As I began to unpack my stuff in my new temporary home down in Columbus, I heard these words echoed out of my laptop speakers: "A year goes by, and I can't talk about it. On my knees, dim lighted room, thoughts free flow try to consume, myself in this, I'm not faithless, just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose." These words caused me to stop my unpacking to begin in prayer as I listened to this song. For an entire year, I felt lost. Wandering the wretched streets of sorrow as I fought the tears of frustrations of where I was in my life.
The song continued on, "...And I'm praying that we will see, something there in between, then and there that exceeds all we can dream, so we can talk about it." How many times during the past year did I pray that I'd see so much more of my life, in between all that made me close my eyes? Through months of discernment of leaving ministry, a gut wrenching break-up, family troubles and praying to get through feeling like a failure as an adult I was able to stay positive and tackle it with my head held high.
We are constantly reminded that we never go it alone. Christ is there by our side. He says in Deuteronomy, "Be brave it is the Lord, your God, who marches with you, He will never fail you or forsake you (Deut. 31)." All those restless nights staying up worrying about what's to come I felt alone, scared and discouraged. Yet, everywhere I looked He was there. He was there in the people I met while working at the rec. Those friendly foes who opened up to share their own life stories, those adventures that gave witness to their own mountains that were forced to climb. He was there in the teens I led in the jr. high and high school ministries as we grew in faith together. He sang to me as I hiked the countless miles of trails back home. My eyes were closed, but he took me and led me through it all. He was there.
He goes on to proclaim: "It is the Lord who marches before you...So do not fear or be dismayed." A year has gone by and I still can't talk about it, but I survived. I came out alive. I came out on top. I came out alive. The sign I was looking for all along was there. He was there. Much like the story of the man who walked along the beach in Christ's footsteps, I too, walked step by step in His shadow.
As I finished listening to the song that had taken me from unpacking my new life, it finished with the message I needed. "And I'm praying that we will see, something there in between, then and there that exceeds all we can dream, so we can talk about it."
As we become lost along the way. Become beaten to our knees and striped of our pride, becoming faithless and full of fears, it is then that Christ walks closest with us. It is when we close our eyes, He shows his light the brightest. As we become deaf to His word he shouts it from the mountaintop. He is there.
Just as the song sand out, "another year has gone by," and now my eyes are open and I can talk about it. To all those, that helped me along the way, I thank you. To the ones who gave freely of themselves to help encourage and inspire, thank you. To those who gave me sight while I was blind, thank you. To those, who showed me hope as I became hopeless, I love you. For as I walk forward into this new chapter of my life, it is because of you I am ready and able to hit this next mountain head on. The sign I prayed to God for the past several months came through you. He was there with me all along. It is now that I realize it. Remembering the words of Thomas Merton, "though I may seem to be lost, and in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my problems alone."
Thank you.
Until next time...
Showing posts with label Mountains. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mountains. Show all posts
7.03.2012
6.11.2012
Why a mustard seed and not a Tic Tac?
There comes a time in everyone's life where you feel as if you're wandering among a dried-out field, saturated with misery and disarray. Dark and cold, the field is so far gone, so lonely, that it seems that nothing can ever grow and blossom into anything worth bearing any fruits.
For some of us, that hypothetical "field" - that cold, lonely, unforgiving stretch of our lives - might be taking on a new chapter of your life; going it alone and navigating it off the cuff, not knowing what's around each corner. For others it may be mourning the loss of a dear friend(s) or family member. While for someone else it may be just losing hope in whatever mountain it is you wait to climb, that path you're afraid to set out on. Right now, for me it is seeing where it is God calls me to be. Which righteous path it is He wants me to journey down. As I anxiously cling on to faith as my life raft this week.
As I went over next week's Gospel with the teens at YM last night, I couldn't help but find the anecdote I've been praying for. The reading comes from our buddy Mark. He shares of a time when Jesus was speaking to a crowd. He told them all that the Kingdom of Heaven is as if a man were to scatter seeds among the land. He doesn't know how, but through night and day, somehow, the seeds grow. First the blade, then the ear, and then the full grain in the ear...then the harvest comes.
Then he said: "It is like a mustard seed that, when it is sown in the ground, is the smallest of all the seeds on the earth. But once it is sown, it springs up and becomes the largest of plants and puts forth large branches, so that the birds of the sky can dwell in its shade."
Everyone then understood (in the Gospel), but not all of the teens. I was asked what a mustard seed was and why Jesus chose a mustard seed...and like any good YM...I quickly moved on and changed the subject of conversation.
I had the teens put out their hand and imagine a Tic Tac resting in the middle of it. Cut it in half I then said to them. Now you have the exact size of the seed of faith you need to plant. That tiny little seed, when planted, will grow and flourish into something you could never imagine. That little seed of nothingness can grow into something that bears great fruit, moves mountains and provide new life...through time.
The mustard seed is mentioned many times throughout the Gospels, my favorite coming from my main man Matt. He writes: "If you had faith the size of a mustard seed, you would be able to say to this mountain, 'move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible for you."
It's hard to imagine that such a small seed can grow such fruits, even in a time of such drought. That little seed of faith can move mountains. Yet as we struggle with our day-to-day worries, we often forget that.
For me, as I worry about a thousand-and-one things this week I focus on that imaginary Tic Tac that I had each teen place in their hand. That tiny little seed that we must focus on replanting in the fields of fear and trepidation in our hearts. Then we will stand by, watch it grow and know that with just a the tiniest of faith we can look at that mountain that stands before us in our lives and say "move" and it will move. Nothing will be impossible.
That as you, in your life today, worry about wealth, fret about future endeavors, struggle with life's temptations or mourn the loss of someone close to you. There is that tiny seed of faith that needs planted in your life, in your heart. A seed no larger than half a Tic Tac. Once that small seed is planted, nothing will ever keep you from moving mountains; even if you're lost among the fields of nothingness, or lost in the shadow of death. Like Thomas Merton wrote: "I will not fear, for You are ever with me and You will never leave me to face my problems alone."
Amen.
Until next time...
For some of us, that hypothetical "field" - that cold, lonely, unforgiving stretch of our lives - might be taking on a new chapter of your life; going it alone and navigating it off the cuff, not knowing what's around each corner. For others it may be mourning the loss of a dear friend(s) or family member. While for someone else it may be just losing hope in whatever mountain it is you wait to climb, that path you're afraid to set out on. Right now, for me it is seeing where it is God calls me to be. Which righteous path it is He wants me to journey down. As I anxiously cling on to faith as my life raft this week.
As I went over next week's Gospel with the teens at YM last night, I couldn't help but find the anecdote I've been praying for. The reading comes from our buddy Mark. He shares of a time when Jesus was speaking to a crowd. He told them all that the Kingdom of Heaven is as if a man were to scatter seeds among the land. He doesn't know how, but through night and day, somehow, the seeds grow. First the blade, then the ear, and then the full grain in the ear...then the harvest comes.
Then he said: "It is like a mustard seed that, when it is sown in the ground, is the smallest of all the seeds on the earth. But once it is sown, it springs up and becomes the largest of plants and puts forth large branches, so that the birds of the sky can dwell in its shade."
Everyone then understood (in the Gospel), but not all of the teens. I was asked what a mustard seed was and why Jesus chose a mustard seed...and like any good YM...I quickly moved on and changed the subject of conversation.
I had the teens put out their hand and imagine a Tic Tac resting in the middle of it. Cut it in half I then said to them. Now you have the exact size of the seed of faith you need to plant. That tiny little seed, when planted, will grow and flourish into something you could never imagine. That little seed of nothingness can grow into something that bears great fruit, moves mountains and provide new life...through time.
The mustard seed is mentioned many times throughout the Gospels, my favorite coming from my main man Matt. He writes: "If you had faith the size of a mustard seed, you would be able to say to this mountain, 'move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible for you."
It's hard to imagine that such a small seed can grow such fruits, even in a time of such drought. That little seed of faith can move mountains. Yet as we struggle with our day-to-day worries, we often forget that.
For me, as I worry about a thousand-and-one things this week I focus on that imaginary Tic Tac that I had each teen place in their hand. That tiny little seed that we must focus on replanting in the fields of fear and trepidation in our hearts. Then we will stand by, watch it grow and know that with just a the tiniest of faith we can look at that mountain that stands before us in our lives and say "move" and it will move. Nothing will be impossible.
That as you, in your life today, worry about wealth, fret about future endeavors, struggle with life's temptations or mourn the loss of someone close to you. There is that tiny seed of faith that needs planted in your life, in your heart. A seed no larger than half a Tic Tac. Once that small seed is planted, nothing will ever keep you from moving mountains; even if you're lost among the fields of nothingness, or lost in the shadow of death. Like Thomas Merton wrote: "I will not fear, for You are ever with me and You will never leave me to face my problems alone."
Amen.
Until next time...
2.20.2012
Pity party of one
There comes a time in your life when you are suddenly forced to stare down the barrel of a gun known as reality. It's like the portion of your hike where you are forced to follow a trail that you think should be the easiest, but becomes the most gut wrenching, grueling section. Where the end of the Alpine Zone meets the start of your final ascent towards the summit. You know, where the rocky terrain of no return begins. That time of your journey upwards where you can see the summit, it appears within your reach, but the finish line is nowhere in sight. Where at every bolder and every traverse comes loose rocks and blustery gusts of wind violently toss you around. The air is as frigidly cold as it is thin and lonely. That is where I am along this mountain I am currently on and it took me three days in the place I love most, several short comings and a hopeless bottle of emotions to bring it all to light.
For the first time in my life I could not wait to leave Columbus. If I could have, I would have left before it even began. I was actually happy to leave. Enter stage right, pity party #6. During the past few months, since returning home from the mountains of Maine and New Hampshire, I have been Mr. Positivity, only experiencing enough Pity Parties that could be counted on one hand. I've remained positive, vigilant and faithful along this journey up until the last few days.
It didn't hit me until talking to my spiritual director that we are often faced with these black out days of doubt just to remind us we are human, just to thank God for being with us along the way. I was not taken back when I heard my spiritual director tell me that he has "been waiting for me to come down from all my positivity." It was then that I was again reminded that it is not my Will that shall be done, but for someone much more righteous than I.
One of my favorite musicians, Matisyahu, puts it best "Sometimes in my tears I drown, but I never let it get me down, so when negativity surrounds,I know some day it'll all turn around, because all my life I've been waiting for, I've been praying for..." It took recently downloading this song, a trip chalk full of mislead expectations and personal wants, and a phone call to my spiritual director to be reminded that it is not my way that will make me happy, but His. Not to mention a perfect reminder from one of this weekend's readings. It comes from Isiah:
Thus says the LORD: Remember not the events of the past, the things of long ago consider not; see, I am doing something new! Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? In the desert I make a way, in the wasteland, rivers. The people I formed for myself, that they might announce my praise. Yet you did not call upon me, O Jacob, for you grew weary of me, O Israel. You burdened me with your sins, and wearied me with your crimes. It is I, I, who wipe out, for my own sake, your offenses; your sins I remember no more.
It's funny that as I imagine myself a candle trying to stay lit among a hurricane of questions, temptations and fantasies of how life is "supposed to be" God just takes a 2x4 and just whacks me in the face to remind me of His words that he will help me, guide me and give forgiveness along the way. A humble reminder as I prepare for the coming Lenten season. A season where we are called to give alms (serve others), pray (talk to the Lord) and fast (sacrifice).
That as I begin another pity party for myself I see that there is no better time to continue on this path towards the mountain's top than now. There is no better way to seek out the remainder of this grueling trek through uncharted territory than to give to Him through alms giving, prayer (only He knows how much of that has been going on and how many expletives have been shared) and fasting. It's only wrong for me to think that I can do it my way and only by myself.
Just as Matisyahu puts it in his song 'Silence' "...Although His silence kills me...I wouldn't have it any other way..." and right now I wouldn't have it any other way.
Until next time...
For the first time in my life I could not wait to leave Columbus. If I could have, I would have left before it even began. I was actually happy to leave. Enter stage right, pity party #6. During the past few months, since returning home from the mountains of Maine and New Hampshire, I have been Mr. Positivity, only experiencing enough Pity Parties that could be counted on one hand. I've remained positive, vigilant and faithful along this journey up until the last few days.
It didn't hit me until talking to my spiritual director that we are often faced with these black out days of doubt just to remind us we are human, just to thank God for being with us along the way. I was not taken back when I heard my spiritual director tell me that he has "been waiting for me to come down from all my positivity." It was then that I was again reminded that it is not my Will that shall be done, but for someone much more righteous than I.
One of my favorite musicians, Matisyahu, puts it best "Sometimes in my tears I drown, but I never let it get me down, so when negativity surrounds,I know some day it'll all turn around, because all my life I've been waiting for, I've been praying for..." It took recently downloading this song, a trip chalk full of mislead expectations and personal wants, and a phone call to my spiritual director to be reminded that it is not my way that will make me happy, but His. Not to mention a perfect reminder from one of this weekend's readings. It comes from Isiah:
Thus says the LORD: Remember not the events of the past, the things of long ago consider not; see, I am doing something new! Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? In the desert I make a way, in the wasteland, rivers. The people I formed for myself, that they might announce my praise. Yet you did not call upon me, O Jacob, for you grew weary of me, O Israel. You burdened me with your sins, and wearied me with your crimes. It is I, I, who wipe out, for my own sake, your offenses; your sins I remember no more.
It's funny that as I imagine myself a candle trying to stay lit among a hurricane of questions, temptations and fantasies of how life is "supposed to be" God just takes a 2x4 and just whacks me in the face to remind me of His words that he will help me, guide me and give forgiveness along the way. A humble reminder as I prepare for the coming Lenten season. A season where we are called to give alms (serve others), pray (talk to the Lord) and fast (sacrifice).
That as I begin another pity party for myself I see that there is no better time to continue on this path towards the mountain's top than now. There is no better way to seek out the remainder of this grueling trek through uncharted territory than to give to Him through alms giving, prayer (only He knows how much of that has been going on and how many expletives have been shared) and fasting. It's only wrong for me to think that I can do it my way and only by myself.
Just as Matisyahu puts it in his song 'Silence' "...Although His silence kills me...I wouldn't have it any other way..." and right now I wouldn't have it any other way.
Until next time...
1.30.2012
Climbing life's mountains
Recently I was told to begin a blog...I'm not a fan, nor do I believe I have something promising or profound to share with the world of strangers, friends and adventurers, but I figured life's an adventure, let's give it the ol' college try.
Last week I spoke at a youth retreat out at Camp Christopher and we were talking about discipleship and living a life worth living. It wasn't until I prepared for the talk that I came to the realization that life is a lot like climbing mountain after mountain and never ceasing to stop wanting to climb higher along the path set forth for you.
Here's a bit of my talk:
Back in the spring I was faced with a time where I was challenged: professionally, personally, spiritually and in every other facet of my life. I was on my journey and quickly came across many obstacles that prohibited me from reaching my mountaintop.
I had been a Youth Minister for two year and doing great things, but after a while, and for a thousand-and-one reasons, I was beginning to feel beat down personally, professionally and spiritually. At the same time I was talking about proposing to my girlfriend. Then one day everything just began to unravel. Work got worse, so I quit. My relationship went south, and quick, so we broke up. It took months to get over her and I still struggle. My cousin was in and out of jail and rehab for an addiction to drugs and stealing. My grandfather’s health was getting worse. I was still living at home. My friends were getting great, successful jobs. Some even were beginning to get married. Everything just sucked.
Yet through all of it, I stayed humbled and passionate to overcome all of it. I prayed whenever I got scared. I met with my spiritual director regularly. It took months but I weighed all my options and made sure I was making the healthiest choices for me and I decided to do exactly what Jesus does many times in the Bible...I left the craziness of life and headed for the mountains.
I moved out to Maine and for four months and lead back packing trips in the mountains and back country of Maine and New Hampshire. I climbed a dozen mountains and backpacked hundreds of miles of trails. It was my opportunity to escape everything that happened and refocus all my energy and strengthen my relationship with God. I had remained faithful, but I also had to work on surrendering myself to His will, his plan he had for me. That was hard for me to fathom. It’s easy to want to live out our own “plan” for our lives and it’s just as easy to blame God for all that is wrong in my life, but it takes so much just to surrender yourself and say: “Lord, I am yours. I am here for you and I know that in my darkest hour you will guide me back to the trail that I am on for this journey. I surrender to you..."
...As I lived out my adventure this summer it taught me many things, but gave me time to seek out answers. Strive for so much more and keep me from living a life of fear. When I wasn’t on the trails I was helping at the high ropes course, conquering my fear of heights. I kayaked during a hurricane just to experience the rush of attacking what God’s furry had to offer, wearing a speedo, aviators and a smile. I lived a summer where I pushed my limits knowing that if I truly surrender myself to the Lord I have nothing to fear...
...Along our journey we need faith in God to stay positive, when we’re hungry we need the Eucharist, when we feel lost we need prayer. Whether we are on or off the trail we can’t do it alone, we can’t survive on our own and that’s why we must be committed to being disciples. To always know that we are here for God as he is always here for us along the way.
I still struggle with living out His plan instead of mine and I still fall on my face, but to succeed in life you need to fall and learn how to pick yourself back up. No one ever said it would be easy, but with knowledge of the Lord’s love, my trust in His plan and my faith in Him nothing will get in my way...
Until next time...
Last week I spoke at a youth retreat out at Camp Christopher and we were talking about discipleship and living a life worth living. It wasn't until I prepared for the talk that I came to the realization that life is a lot like climbing mountain after mountain and never ceasing to stop wanting to climb higher along the path set forth for you.
Here's a bit of my talk:
Back in the spring I was faced with a time where I was challenged: professionally, personally, spiritually and in every other facet of my life. I was on my journey and quickly came across many obstacles that prohibited me from reaching my mountaintop.
I had been a Youth Minister for two year and doing great things, but after a while, and for a thousand-and-one reasons, I was beginning to feel beat down personally, professionally and spiritually. At the same time I was talking about proposing to my girlfriend. Then one day everything just began to unravel. Work got worse, so I quit. My relationship went south, and quick, so we broke up. It took months to get over her and I still struggle. My cousin was in and out of jail and rehab for an addiction to drugs and stealing. My grandfather’s health was getting worse. I was still living at home. My friends were getting great, successful jobs. Some even were beginning to get married. Everything just sucked.
Yet through all of it, I stayed humbled and passionate to overcome all of it. I prayed whenever I got scared. I met with my spiritual director regularly. It took months but I weighed all my options and made sure I was making the healthiest choices for me and I decided to do exactly what Jesus does many times in the Bible...I left the craziness of life and headed for the mountains.
I moved out to Maine and for four months and lead back packing trips in the mountains and back country of Maine and New Hampshire. I climbed a dozen mountains and backpacked hundreds of miles of trails. It was my opportunity to escape everything that happened and refocus all my energy and strengthen my relationship with God. I had remained faithful, but I also had to work on surrendering myself to His will, his plan he had for me. That was hard for me to fathom. It’s easy to want to live out our own “plan” for our lives and it’s just as easy to blame God for all that is wrong in my life, but it takes so much just to surrender yourself and say: “Lord, I am yours. I am here for you and I know that in my darkest hour you will guide me back to the trail that I am on for this journey. I surrender to you..."
...As I lived out my adventure this summer it taught me many things, but gave me time to seek out answers. Strive for so much more and keep me from living a life of fear. When I wasn’t on the trails I was helping at the high ropes course, conquering my fear of heights. I kayaked during a hurricane just to experience the rush of attacking what God’s furry had to offer, wearing a speedo, aviators and a smile. I lived a summer where I pushed my limits knowing that if I truly surrender myself to the Lord I have nothing to fear...
...Along our journey we need faith in God to stay positive, when we’re hungry we need the Eucharist, when we feel lost we need prayer. Whether we are on or off the trail we can’t do it alone, we can’t survive on our own and that’s why we must be committed to being disciples. To always know that we are here for God as he is always here for us along the way.
I still struggle with living out His plan instead of mine and I still fall on my face, but to succeed in life you need to fall and learn how to pick yourself back up. No one ever said it would be easy, but with knowledge of the Lord’s love, my trust in His plan and my faith in Him nothing will get in my way...
Until next time...
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