After nearly eight restless months of being beaten to my knees exploring the rough seas of interviewing I have found a new career endeavor; a new mountain to climb; a new chapter in the journey.
A full year has gone by now since leaving ministry and it's still so hard to talk about. I close my eyes and remember the chorus of frustrations that sang out, the sadness that caused me to weep with those that I chose to leave behind and the times that exceeded my expectations only to be blinded by the things I couldn't talk about.
The past year has been an unpredictable roller coaster ride. It had its ups, and it surely had its downs, but through it all, my eyes have been closed. I was desperate to cross the lips of grace. Lost, but struggled to be found. Yet through friends, family and faith was able to push through.
Now as I stare at the ever-evolving journey that is my life, I look to see that during this moment of my life Christ was constantly, and humbly, hitting me across the face with a 4X4 of Truth while God would frequently sucker punch me in the gut just to remind it is His will that will be done, not my own.
Much like many of you, in times of heartache, anticipation and ruts we often forget that we don't go it alone in life. We look for signs in any place possible, but most times forgetting that we don't need signs, we need faith. For several months I prayed and prayed through it all for a sign. It's good that cell phone companies don't have a prayer plan, because I would have surely used up all the minutes, and then some, the first week of the job search. Let alone the countless hours of discernment with my parents after each resume was sent out, after each interview or any time I had an idea of how to survive this chapter of my life. All the times at the rec. when patrons, now my dear friends, would vibrantly ask for a career update. I would have tapped out enough minutes in discernment for myself in a thousand lifetimes. Yet, I still sought out a sign.
As I began to unpack my stuff in my new temporary home down in Columbus, I heard these words echoed out of my laptop speakers: "A year goes by, and I can't talk about it. On my knees, dim lighted room, thoughts free flow try to consume, myself in this, I'm not faithless, just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose." These words caused me to stop my unpacking to begin in prayer as I listened to this song. For an entire year, I felt lost. Wandering the wretched streets of sorrow as I fought the tears of frustrations of where I was in my life.
The song continued on, "...And I'm praying that we will see, something there in between, then and there that exceeds all we can dream, so we can talk about it." How many times during the past year did I pray that I'd see so much more of my life, in between all that made me close my eyes? Through months of discernment of leaving ministry, a gut wrenching break-up, family troubles and praying to get through feeling like a failure as an adult I was able to stay positive and tackle it with my head held high.
We are constantly reminded that we never go it alone. Christ is there by our side. He says in Deuteronomy, "Be brave it is the Lord, your God, who marches with you, He will never fail you or forsake you (Deut. 31)." All those restless nights staying up worrying about what's to come I felt alone, scared and discouraged. Yet, everywhere I looked He was there. He was there in the people I met while working at the rec. Those friendly foes who opened up to share their own life stories, those adventures that gave witness to their own mountains that were forced to climb. He was there in the teens I led in the jr. high and high school ministries as we grew in faith together. He sang to me as I hiked the countless miles of trails back home. My eyes were closed, but he took me and led me through it all. He was there.
He goes on to proclaim: "It is the Lord who marches before you...So do not fear or be dismayed." A year has gone by and I still can't talk about it, but I survived. I came out alive. I came out on top. I came out alive. The sign I was looking for all along was there. He was there. Much like the story of the man who walked along the beach in Christ's footsteps, I too, walked step by step in His shadow.
As I finished listening to the song that had taken me from unpacking my new life, it finished with the message I needed. "And I'm praying that we will see, something there in between, then and there that exceeds all we can dream, so we can talk about it."
As we become lost along the way. Become beaten to our knees and striped of our pride, becoming faithless and full of fears, it is then that Christ walks closest with us. It is when we close our eyes, He shows his light the brightest. As we become deaf to His word he shouts it from the mountaintop. He is there.
Just as the song sand out, "another year has gone by," and now my eyes are open and I can talk about it. To all those, that helped me along the way, I thank you. To the ones who gave freely of themselves to help encourage and inspire, thank you. To those who gave me sight while I was blind, thank you. To those, who showed me hope as I became hopeless, I love you. For as I walk forward into this new chapter of my life, it is because of you I am ready and able to hit this next mountain head on. The sign I prayed to God for the past several months came through you. He was there with me all along. It is now that I realize it. Remembering the words of Thomas Merton, "though I may seem to be lost, and in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my problems alone."
Thank you.
Until next time...
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