Pity party of one

There comes a time in your life when you are suddenly forced to stare down the barrel of a gun known as reality. It's like the portion of your hike where you are forced to follow a trail that you think should be the easiest, but becomes the most gut wrenching, grueling section. Where the end of the Alpine Zone meets the start of your final ascent towards the summit. You know, where the rocky terrain of no return begins. That time of your journey upwards where you can see the summit, it appears within your reach, but the finish line is nowhere in sight. Where at every bolder and every traverse comes loose rocks and blustery gusts of wind violently toss you around. The air is as frigidly cold as it is thin and lonely. That is where I am along this mountain I am currently on and it took me three days in the place I love most, several short comings and a hopeless bottle of emotions to bring it all to light.

For the first time in my life I could not wait to leave Columbus. If I could have, I would have left before it even began. I was actually happy to leave. Enter stage right, pity party #6. During the past few months, since returning home from the mountains of Maine and New Hampshire, I have been Mr. Positivity, only experiencing enough Pity Parties that could be counted on one hand. I've remained positive, vigilant and faithful along this journey up until the last few days.

It didn't hit me until talking to my spiritual director that we are often faced with these black out days of doubt just to remind us we are human, just to thank God for being with us along the way. I was not taken back when I heard my spiritual director tell me that he has "been waiting for me to come down from all my positivity." It was then that I was again reminded that it is not my Will that shall be done, but for someone much more righteous than I.

One of my favorite musicians, Matisyahu, puts it best "Sometimes in my tears I drown, but I never let it get me down, so when negativity surrounds,I know some day it'll all turn around, because all my life I've been waiting for, I've been praying for..." It took recently downloading this song, a trip chalk full of mislead expectations and personal wants, and a phone call to my spiritual director to be reminded that it is not my way that will make me happy, but His. Not to mention a perfect reminder from one of this weekend's readings. It comes from Isiah:

Thus says the LORD: Remember not the events of the past, the things of long ago consider not; see, I am doing something new! Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? In the desert I make a way, in the wasteland, rivers. The people I formed for myself, that they might announce my praise. Yet you did not call upon me, O Jacob, for you grew weary of me, O Israel. You burdened me with your sins, and wearied me with your crimes. It is I, I, who wipe out, for my own sake, your offenses; your sins I remember no more.

It's funny that as I imagine myself a candle trying to stay lit among a hurricane of questions, temptations and fantasies of how life is "supposed to be" God just takes a 2x4 and just whacks me in the face to remind me of His words that he will help me, guide me and give forgiveness along the way. A humble reminder as I prepare for the coming Lenten season. A season where we are called to give alms (serve others), pray (talk to the Lord) and fast (sacrifice).

That as I begin another pity party for myself I see that there is no better time to continue on this path towards the mountain's top than now. There is no better way to seek out the remainder of this grueling trek through uncharted territory than to give to Him through alms giving, prayer (only He knows how much of that has been going on and how many expletives have been shared) and fasting. It's only wrong for me to think that I can do it my way and only by myself.

Just as Matisyahu puts it in his song 'Silence' "...Although His silence kills me...I wouldn't have it any other way..." and right now I wouldn't have it any other way.

Until next time...