There comes a time in your life when you are suddenly forced to stare down the barrel of a gun known as reality. It's like the portion of your hike where you are forced to follow a trail that you think should be the easiest, but becomes the most gut wrenching, grueling section. Where the end of the Alpine Zone meets the start of your final ascent towards the summit. You know, where the rocky terrain of no return begins. That time of your journey upwards where you can see the summit, it appears within your reach, but the finish line is nowhere in sight. Where at every bolder and every traverse comes loose rocks and blustery gusts of wind violently toss you around. The air is as frigidly cold as it is thin and lonely. That is where I am along this mountain I am currently on and it took me three days in the place I love most, several short comings and a hopeless bottle of emotions to bring it all to light.
For the first time in my life I could not wait to leave Columbus. If I could have, I would have left before it even began. I was actually happy to leave. Enter stage right, pity party #6. During the past few months, since returning home from the mountains of Maine and New Hampshire, I have been Mr. Positivity, only experiencing enough Pity Parties that could be counted on one hand. I've remained positive, vigilant and faithful along this journey up until the last few days.
It didn't hit me until talking to my spiritual director that we are often faced with these black out days of doubt just to remind us we are human, just to thank God for being with us along the way. I was not taken back when I heard my spiritual director tell me that he has "been waiting for me to come down from all my positivity." It was then that I was again reminded that it is not my Will that shall be done, but for someone much more righteous than I.
One of my favorite musicians, Matisyahu, puts it best "Sometimes in my tears I drown, but I never let it get me down, so when negativity surrounds,I know some day it'll all turn around, because all my life I've been waiting for, I've been praying for..." It took recently downloading this song, a trip chalk full of mislead expectations and personal wants, and a phone call to my spiritual director to be reminded that it is not my way that will make me happy, but His. Not to mention a perfect reminder from one of this weekend's readings. It comes from Isiah:
Thus says the LORD: Remember not the events of the past, the things of long ago consider not; see, I am doing something new! Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? In the desert I make a way, in the wasteland, rivers. The people I formed for myself, that they might announce my praise. Yet you did not call upon me, O Jacob, for you grew weary of me, O Israel. You burdened me with your sins, and wearied me with your crimes. It is I, I, who wipe out, for my own sake, your offenses; your sins I remember no more.
It's funny that as I imagine myself a candle trying to stay lit among a hurricane of questions, temptations and fantasies of how life is "supposed to be" God just takes a 2x4 and just whacks me in the face to remind me of His words that he will help me, guide me and give forgiveness along the way. A humble reminder as I prepare for the coming Lenten season. A season where we are called to give alms (serve others), pray (talk to the Lord) and fast (sacrifice).
That as I begin another pity party for myself I see that there is no better time to continue on this path towards the mountain's top than now. There is no better way to seek out the remainder of this grueling trek through uncharted territory than to give to Him through alms giving, prayer (only He knows how much of that has been going on and how many expletives have been shared) and fasting. It's only wrong for me to think that I can do it my way and only by myself.
Just as Matisyahu puts it in his song 'Silence' "...Although His silence kills me...I wouldn't have it any other way..." and right now I wouldn't have it any other way.
Until next time...
2.20.2012
2.05.2012
The rebirth of masculinity
Man: (1): an individual human; adult male human (2): husband (3): lover hominid: one possessing in high degree the qualities considered distinctive of manhood: the quality or state of being manly: manliness.
I am not a man. I am not a man's man. Nor am I manly, but I sure as hell try my hardest. I am not the ultimate man, an alpha male or anything but a guy on a quest to follow in the footsteps of many men who have come before me in pursuit of seeking out how to be a man, the best man I can be.
This week has been a wonderful opportunity in the pursuit of becoming the man I want to be. It involved manly workouts, an interview for a cool job, a talk from Fr. Larry Richards about surrendering/ being a man and a "mans weekend" with my Dad and other guys whose wives are all out of town on a girls weekend. All in all this week got me thinking. What has happened to men and masculinity? Mostly my generation
I watched another Super Bowl where the commercials portrayed men as weak, uncivilized, inferior, playing second fiddle to women and dumber than a Hollywood A-lister talking politics and family values. Yet it seems like we, as males, except this and enjoy this depiction...why?
We live in a day in age where a man no longer is the protector and provider in the family. Where a man must be tamed, equal and exhibit femininity to be "acceptable" by social standards. We live in a society that deems a man of faith as a religious zealot - instead of disciple, a man who explores the deepest depths of the world's precious beauty as a social outcast - instead of explore and a man who is destined to make a difference in the world as a renegade inspired by becoming the alpha male - instead of a revolutionary.
PSA: I am a gentleman. I have no qualms with women and believe men and women alike are equal. I respect women and believe they've earned the right to have the equality they have gotten through a tough fight...I digress.
Fr. Larry Richards brought up a good point in his talk Thursday: It wasn't Eve's fault for giving into temptation in the garden, it was Adam for he failed to protect Eve, jump in front of her and defend her. It's been a gradual decline ever since. Men, of my generation, no longer have a voice. A spirit. A sense of adventure. A need for more. A drive to grab life's challenges by the throat and toss them aside. A desire to be the hero. A backbone to take a stand and bring back faith as their foundation of their lives. To suck up their ego and attempt to emulate Christ in every way. To live a principled, morally driven life. The days of old are long gone. Men like Washington, Jefferson, Thoreau, MLK, Wayne, Sinatra, Reagan are mere images of masculinity's past. Men who laid the foundation for true manliness.
Just the other day I set out on a hike. I had all afternoon and a short hike ended up being nearly 11 miles just to introduce some sort of adventure into these early days of February. I just kept going. Turn after turn, ascent after descent I kept making my way deeper into the quiet world of nature. It was glorious. And as I mentioned from the start I am not a man, nor am I a "man's man," but I came to a creek I had to cross. I was unable to follow the trail across as it was too deep, between knee level to more than four feet, and too cold to attempt. I searched for a way across and decided the only way to get across, dry, was to improvise a bridge. For 30 or 40 minutes I collected long branches, heavy logs and anything I could to create a sturdy structure. I was muddy, sweaty and wet but with my knack of adventure and my drive to not back down from a challenge I got over just as many explorers did many times before.
My point is not that I was handed a "man card" and officially welcomed into manhood, but that it's time we put down the Xbox controllers, turn off our flat screen TVs, unplug our laptops, silence our Blackberrys and put aside our egos. Let's kick it old school and bring back the true meaning of being men. Let's explore the world, seek out answers, become the protector and provider for our family. It's time that we become men: physically, mentally, intellectually and most importantly spiritually.
For if you show me a man who is founded by faith, driven by adventure, living through love and seeking out the most out of life, you'll be shown a guy worthy of being called a man.
I am not a man. I am not a man's man. Nor am I manly, but I sure as hell try my hardest. I am not the ultimate man, an alpha male or anything but a guy on a quest to follow in the footsteps of many men who have come before me in pursuit of seeking out how to be a man, the best man I can be.
This week has been a wonderful opportunity in the pursuit of becoming the man I want to be. It involved manly workouts, an interview for a cool job, a talk from Fr. Larry Richards about surrendering/ being a man and a "mans weekend" with my Dad and other guys whose wives are all out of town on a girls weekend. All in all this week got me thinking. What has happened to men and masculinity? Mostly my generation
I watched another Super Bowl where the commercials portrayed men as weak, uncivilized, inferior, playing second fiddle to women and dumber than a Hollywood A-lister talking politics and family values. Yet it seems like we, as males, except this and enjoy this depiction...why?
We live in a day in age where a man no longer is the protector and provider in the family. Where a man must be tamed, equal and exhibit femininity to be "acceptable" by social standards. We live in a society that deems a man of faith as a religious zealot - instead of disciple, a man who explores the deepest depths of the world's precious beauty as a social outcast - instead of explore and a man who is destined to make a difference in the world as a renegade inspired by becoming the alpha male - instead of a revolutionary.
PSA: I am a gentleman. I have no qualms with women and believe men and women alike are equal. I respect women and believe they've earned the right to have the equality they have gotten through a tough fight...I digress.
Fr. Larry Richards brought up a good point in his talk Thursday: It wasn't Eve's fault for giving into temptation in the garden, it was Adam for he failed to protect Eve, jump in front of her and defend her. It's been a gradual decline ever since. Men, of my generation, no longer have a voice. A spirit. A sense of adventure. A need for more. A drive to grab life's challenges by the throat and toss them aside. A desire to be the hero. A backbone to take a stand and bring back faith as their foundation of their lives. To suck up their ego and attempt to emulate Christ in every way. To live a principled, morally driven life. The days of old are long gone. Men like Washington, Jefferson, Thoreau, MLK, Wayne, Sinatra, Reagan are mere images of masculinity's past. Men who laid the foundation for true manliness.
Just the other day I set out on a hike. I had all afternoon and a short hike ended up being nearly 11 miles just to introduce some sort of adventure into these early days of February. I just kept going. Turn after turn, ascent after descent I kept making my way deeper into the quiet world of nature. It was glorious. And as I mentioned from the start I am not a man, nor am I a "man's man," but I came to a creek I had to cross. I was unable to follow the trail across as it was too deep, between knee level to more than four feet, and too cold to attempt. I searched for a way across and decided the only way to get across, dry, was to improvise a bridge. For 30 or 40 minutes I collected long branches, heavy logs and anything I could to create a sturdy structure. I was muddy, sweaty and wet but with my knack of adventure and my drive to not back down from a challenge I got over just as many explorers did many times before.
My point is not that I was handed a "man card" and officially welcomed into manhood, but that it's time we put down the Xbox controllers, turn off our flat screen TVs, unplug our laptops, silence our Blackberrys and put aside our egos. Let's kick it old school and bring back the true meaning of being men. Let's explore the world, seek out answers, become the protector and provider for our family. It's time that we become men: physically, mentally, intellectually and most importantly spiritually.
For if you show me a man who is founded by faith, driven by adventure, living through love and seeking out the most out of life, you'll be shown a guy worthy of being called a man.
2.04.2012
Cold reminders of reality
We've all heard the phrase "you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone." I never really thought about it until this week. Sure I've had break ups where I was done and out, I've visited a place I've always wanted to see and missed it the second the plane took off homeward bound and the occasional friend who lives nearby and then moves away. But it wasn't until this week that I truly thought about what that means that I "don't appreciate what I have until it's gone."
For the past three days now I have planned to wake up early and hike. For it is when I hike that I truly feel disengaged with the craziness that is my life, a life filled with thousands of unanswered questions, doubt of my future and frustrations of the present. Yet, every time I wake up, I am quickly greeted with disappointment and cold reminders of reality.
Just yesterday, for example, I woke up at six in the morning ready to set out on an all day excursion only to find last minute that I was scheduled to be work in just a handful of hours. The best day all winter to go out. Same happened today as I woke to the 10 percent chance of snow, slated for the later hours of the day, that happened to come early for an unpleasant and unwelcome morning wake up. 0-3 sucks in life and even in baseball.
My point is that for the past four days I have been salivating over the fact that the weather called for mid 40s and sunshine, which is not normal for northeast Ohio, only to be disappointed. My other point is that Dick Goddard is past his prime and gets paid to lie...just retire man. I'm pretty sure the man is being kept alive and running on air by puppet strings and voice overs.
As I have been grateful for the weather and looking forward to the spring-like opportunity to hike in January and February I have come to realize I should not be bummed that I've been kept hiking for whatever reason, but should be thankful for the gift of the opportunity to even be considering such a delightful wintry getaway.
How many times doe we get upset or angry over something without even considering the fact that we should be grateful it's even an opportunity for us to be considering...unfortunately we don't always think this way. All I know is I am no longer bummed about my failed attempts to hike and looking forward to the next opportunity. For example tomorrow...because in life there is always tomorrow.
Until next time...
For the past three days now I have planned to wake up early and hike. For it is when I hike that I truly feel disengaged with the craziness that is my life, a life filled with thousands of unanswered questions, doubt of my future and frustrations of the present. Yet, every time I wake up, I am quickly greeted with disappointment and cold reminders of reality.
Just yesterday, for example, I woke up at six in the morning ready to set out on an all day excursion only to find last minute that I was scheduled to be work in just a handful of hours. The best day all winter to go out. Same happened today as I woke to the 10 percent chance of snow, slated for the later hours of the day, that happened to come early for an unpleasant and unwelcome morning wake up. 0-3 sucks in life and even in baseball.
My point is that for the past four days I have been salivating over the fact that the weather called for mid 40s and sunshine, which is not normal for northeast Ohio, only to be disappointed. My other point is that Dick Goddard is past his prime and gets paid to lie...just retire man. I'm pretty sure the man is being kept alive and running on air by puppet strings and voice overs.
As I have been grateful for the weather and looking forward to the spring-like opportunity to hike in January and February I have come to realize I should not be bummed that I've been kept hiking for whatever reason, but should be thankful for the gift of the opportunity to even be considering such a delightful wintry getaway.
How many times doe we get upset or angry over something without even considering the fact that we should be grateful it's even an opportunity for us to be considering...unfortunately we don't always think this way. All I know is I am no longer bummed about my failed attempts to hike and looking forward to the next opportunity. For example tomorrow...because in life there is always tomorrow.
Until next time...
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