The legend of Dutch Hagar

This is a bit different from my usual blogging, but is a short story about a made up persona I created one night while wing-manning a buddy of mine. We developed a story that he was Amish and on Rumspringa. He pulled it off with his long, curly Amish-esque hair and lumberjack beard, complimented with a white button up collard shirt. Long story short, and a whole slew of numbers later, it worked. So I decided to share with the world, and all who read this (Thanks Mom), the legend of Dutch Hagar. Enjoy!

The gallant fable of Dutch Hagar (pronounced hay-gar) goes back to the days of the Old Country; wherever that may be. It can easily be said that since Good ol’ Dutch there has been no such man ever to walk the cobblestone roads of his old-world town. Since those black and white era days there has yet to be a man to grace the dirt of this world who could live up to the heroic tale of a life in which this man lived so many years ago.

Young Dutch was raised by a modest family, in a modest home, of modest means, but given gifts that were anything but modest. As a young boy he moseyed about his village with the common folk. As a young man he was known to often wander the forests, that lined his town, for days at a time where he would wrestle bears, sing with birds and make the tiniest of creatures smile, even the old wise owl. Young Hagar graduated the top of his class and was accepted to Oxford…a century before it was founded.

Some have been quoted to say that his moral fiber was so powerfully potent that vegetables feared him, vagabonds found optimism and the faint of heart grew strong. It was once reported that during a weeks stay in a Peruvian prison he dropped the soap, and inmates grabbed their ankles. He’s stopped wars with his drinking songs. United cultures with his wit. And ended many marriages with his Charm.
An old wife tells a tale that the town doctor, who delivered him, shared that during his birth he entered this world with a shot of whiskey in one hand and a cigar in the other. His beard was on the endangered species list. Pangaea’s division was the direct result of him wanting to leave land to try out his sea legs and explore the oceans.

While cornered in a dimly lit French tavern at knifepoint he was challenged to an intense staring competition with a blind man, and won. His organ donor card also lists his beard.* Mona Lisa once made a claim that he would have been the most beautiful woman a paintbrush has ever created, only if he would have let someone paint his portrait.

During his life he consumed so much wealth that it has been said that had Warren Buffet been alive, he would have called on him for financial advice…on a separate note, Al gore did not invent the Internet…Dutch did, at age twelve. Interestingly enough, Dutch did not invent the Dutch Oven, but he did create the Rumspringa Razzmatazz, which consists of churning butter, a bucket of raspberries and a high-speed buggy chase. Legend states that while out on a hike in the Canadian Rockies he came across a grizzly bear that caught sight of him and quickly began to play dead.

The only flaw that has ever been reported of Dutch was that he didn’t possess any, except one could argue that if he had one it would be that of his predecessor S.R. Haggar who, after experiencing Rumspringa for a summer, had trouble getting his lazy sass, grizzly bear self out of bed by noon. But the good news for good ol’ Dutch is that in every adventure he journeyed, in every challenge he chased down and every pub he drank through, from Singapore to New York, he had the power of the bulldog face, an array of funky white boy dance moves and his token, superhero motto, “I need this.”

So we raise a glass and toast our dear friend Dutch. That when the cheer is flowing and friends are glowing he may make his signature entrance and rule the room as there is a little bit of Dutch in all of us. Cheers.


Until next time...