The other night I finished my financial aid papers for grad school. My evening consisted of sifting through mind numbing paperwork and filling out government forms about student loans. On the eve of putting a studies induced stranglehold on my spending and a stop payment on my Adventure Fund, I also received my first bill from the university. If filling out all those forms about how much I’ll owe wasn’t enough to make my palms sweaty, stomach turn and my wallet shed some pounds the $2,000 initial payment did the trick.
All evening I second guessed my decision and stressed about my financial future for the foreseeable future. My mind raced quicker than the loans will be filed. “What did I get myself into,” I asked myself repeatedly. “Is this even the right ‘next step’ for me?” I asked. Since I’m going to study Theology this better be what the good Lord intends that I do. Needless to say it was an exhausting evening.
As I attempted to gather myself I was interrupted by a text from a teen that I had often met with while serving as Youth Minister. She would always come to events, asked great questions, made my job hell at times and would have weekly office visits to unload her thoughts, opinions and stresses of being a high schooler. She just ‘wanted to say hi,’ but past conversations that started like that indicated more than that. I asked how she was doing, and after hearing a generic response, I asked again, only to learn that her high school stress was now the realities of a life of a young woman dealing with much more as a young adult.
In respect to her I’ll skip much of the details and simply say that she faces many grueling mountains I could not even bare to ever face. I was empathetic to things going on in her life and for nearly two hours we texted back and forth. It wasn’t until I was lying in bed later on that I realized that our conversation had completely calmed my nerves from earlier. Here I was questioning my decision of going back to school for a degree that to many seems useless. It was the humbling way of having the Big Guy share His grace in my Life and that subtle, yet in your face, sign that maybe I should work on the whole 'surrendering thing' that He calls us to do.
As I spent an evening questioning Him and what I think He wants me to do He gave me that gentle jab to my ego to remind me that it is His will that shall be done. The most loving and compassionate I have felt in quite some time came at the tail end of an evening that was full of second guessing, anxiety and the fear of the unknown in my future. Then my mind was quieted, my heart opened and myself humbled. It's funny how things work out and how He works in our lives.
I've always said that the Big Guy is like a comedian...a really, really bad comedian. The kind where the jokes don't make sense or often times it takes a long time to think about the punchline. But after an onslaught of bad jokes he ends his set with a real zinger. The anticipated bazinga moment leaving you smiling and full of life. In this case I'm still deciding if this is the first of many one liners before the zinger or if this is this just the opening act. Either way I'm just excited to be here for the act.
Until next time...
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